random ramblings

im tired of this feeling.

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 07:36:58 GMT

i feel like my best friend doesnt really care to be my best friend anymore.
it hurts way deep down inside.

it has felt weird for a while now, but lately its worse.
& that, i feel, has a lot to do with someone whom i completely misjudged & brought into our lives.
it sucks.
i dont really know what to say to her.
im hurt & confused & have cried about it far more than i wish to have.
& part of me sees this as a similar thing to the whole lauren-justin thing...i cant really explain that completely but it feels the same.
i feel like im being replaced by someone who isnt a very good person.
someone who, granted i dont really know all that well,but seems to really enjoy cutting people down.
someone like the person i was a few years ago.
it sucks.

i miss maureen more & more every day.
i miss ashley more & more every day.
im glad i have britany more & more every day.

there are so many little things that i let slide because i suppose ive come to accept them even when they annoy or piss me off to no end...but lately ive been getting little remarks about lesser degrees of the same things flipped around.
& there never really seems to be a time to talk.
theres always something to do, somewhere to go, someone coming over...on both sides, but its starting to wear me down.
& i know that charlsie doesnt really want to talk about anything.
thats the part that hurts the most.
i dont really think she cares enough about it anymore.
we had all these plans that are now like boxed up & tossed out all because of i dont know what.

i hate negative crap.
i thrived off it for far too long & as a result simply try my best to avoid it now.
even when thats a really bad idea.
i dont know how things got so messed up, but i really dont like it.

i want my best friend back.

im tired of this.
all of it.

immaturity has never really been a good way to come at me, & ive never been okay with my friends being okay with people being people being rude/mean/hurtful towards me & have always been very upfront when said friends when those things were happening...but i feel if i confront charlsie about this whole ashley thing she will take it as an attack on her which it isnt, like she will think im asking her to choose, which isnt the case either...i just dont understand...& i need to. i take attacks on my friends very personally which is a big part of my whole ridiculous heart & being a pisces & so i subsequently get very hurt when they dont react the same...which i suppose is silly. i guess. i dont know.

i hate all these unanswered questions in my life...im tired of them.
i dont like starting the new year in doubt.
ive been doing it for far too long...

i hate myself for these feelings

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 00:06:10 GMT

im not lying when i say i love him, but its a different kind of love, i feel like part of my heart has decided that its yours and its not giving me any choice in the matter...i hate part of myself almost all day almost everyday....

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

One day

We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely

Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice
But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

it seems to be impossible to get away from something that never had a chance to happen. i just have one night sleeping next to you and stolen kisses in the snow, but so often they seem so much more real and important than anything ive felt before or since...

another one? maybe i should get rid of some of these...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 19:02:04 GMT

i think im jumping the lj ship and heading for tumblr...i mean....im not 100% i need to explore the timblr site tonight when i get home, but it looks more easier and funner...we shall see...

more laters! i haz wurk!

five fun things nicky thinks of when she thinks of me!

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 20:08:45 GMT

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

from miss quackenbush i got:

blaise: i could probably go on for days...and i have gone on at great length in previous posts...so i will say that i have fallen for a guy who makes me feel like no one ever has before. from the way he says my name to the way he touches me, the way he smiles to the way he looks at me...i love it all. hes been in texas since friday and while i hate that hes gone, and i want him back here with his arms around me, im okay. im not falling apart. i dont spend all day in bed. im not a babbling crying fool. it reminds me of when josh left for a week last year and i fell apart. im happy with blaise in a way i dont think i ever really have been before. its easy and im so comfortable, but whenever i think about him, and especially when he touches me, is like a jolt of electricity goes through me. im happier than i can ever really remember, and we are good together. its healthy. its fun. its pretty amazing. as hard as it is to be away from him, to pull myself out of the nice little bubble we seem to have with each other, i am okay without him. i cant wait for him to get back at the end of the week so that we can spend more time being all dopey eyed over each other.

ninjas: i love me some pirates, but seriously man, ninjas are so efing badass its retarded. ive been a fan forevs and my huge obsession with japan is a part of it. its an entire culture and way of life that people often over look and simply dismiss because its so secretive and there are super awesome tales all up over the place glorifing their who history and what not. the point of being a ninja was stealth, so obviously the records and histories, not so clear and available. there wasnt really a ninja version of jack sparrow we can look at and be all, "yeeeeah" about, samuria sure, i mean GOD DAMN KEN WATANABE!, but not so much for ninja. and theyre just hot...seriously, all the sneaky spy shit the western world stole from them, sexy.

nashville: im very anti this place most days, but it really isnt ALL bad. theres fun stuff to do. places to hang. not nearly as much fun and culture that i appreciate but hey. the opry is awesome, and theres lots of places in nashville that remind me of the few really good memories i have with my dad from when i was little. the adventure science museum is SUPPOSED to be for kids, but fuck that shit,its awesome. i love the flying saucer, more beer than you can drink. the belcourt is an awesome old theater that makes me happy. there are a few other bars and whatnots. i love walking around in any big city...so, yeah, its not quite big enough for me but its neat.

kurt halsey: i cant remember exactly how many years ago i discovered kurt, but it was love at first encounter. ive always drawn in a style very similar to his and a lot of the sentiment he expresses really hits close to my heart. and i love pretty much all of it. there is a piece that i can tie to every point of my life...always. his "smoking girl" is me. there are images of his thta remind me of people in my life and i love them all the more for it. hes amazingly kind and nice to his fans and does requested art all the time...hes just the tops.

wearing my heart on my sleeve: well this is probably the biggest part of my personality. i cant help it.ive tried to fight it, but i figure, i dont want to look back on my life and regret not doing things that may have made me happy. i have a few and id hate for the list to grow...people pretty much always know how i feel about them. im a great actress, but i rarely put it into effect when my heart is concerned. i fall fast and hard. i love very freely and openly, no, not in that way. but i do fall in love with different parts of everyone of my friends. i love them truly and deeply. im sincere in my emotions and i know that theyre intense. ive been in love 4 times counting blaise, but ive loved every single friend ive ever made. in some way, even if its the smallest of ways. from the way they laugh to how they love, their sense of style,their ability to always make me smile, to make me laugh, a wicked sneaker collection, love for any number of things...im in love with you all and i cant help butshow it. i think it may have a lot to do with the fact that my dad is so very mean and unemotional...mabye its just because im an uber pisces...maybe its because i was broken so early and it was the way my teen/adult self learned to cope with it. maybe i just have a bigger heart than i realize...but i keep loving, i dont know how to stop...i dont know how to slow it down...and once youre in there, youre pretty much always there...forever.

JOIN IN! COMMENT AND ILL TAG YOU! YOU TAG ME! ITLL BE FUN!

so...um...i just realized

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 04:14:32 GMT

i'm a big stupidhead and while rereading my entries i realized that i never updated when blaise told me he wasn't moving to texas...
he's staying in clarksville...he's spending the next week there with his family and working on his dads car and whatnot.

but then he's coming back.

and i couldn't be happier...well, if he didn't have to go at all that would've been nicer.
but he likes his family and stuff so he went.
and there's also a car involved.
and he will be back soon.

neato.
i'm a fan.

i miss his freckles.
and how he kisses the back of my neck in the morning when we wake up.
...and all the rest of him.
he's pretty awesome.
and i love the way he makes me feel...

when he looks at me its like he can't see anything else in the room...which is good cause i sorta have a focus issue going on when he's around as well...

he actually distracted me from laundry the other day!!! folding clothes fresh out of the dryer is like my favorite thing ever and somehow i folded an entire dryer full of towels while staring at him without even noticing...nuts i say.

yes i know. i'm gay.

but he sends me messages like this and i don't care:
"Hahaha, i miss you like crazy too. I still have the urge to turn around. Driving away while you were peaking out the window was ridiculously hard. "

i hope this week flies by...i miss him like crazy.

zoe! and other stuff!

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 02:13:33 GMT

boyfriend is gone. stupid texas. he will be back in a week but still. ew. i don't like falling asleep and waking up and him not being next to me. lame.

earlier this week (tuesday) charlsie and i ventured forth to augusta for our zoe workshop...she was even more amazing that i expected. for 3 hours i stretched and danced and worked out so many muscles and learned so much...and had a blast.

she was gorgeous and very pointedly liked charlsie and i a lot. she's hilarious and beautiful and so freaking talented. god it was amazing.

i couldn't contain my giddy.
amazing.

then on thursday we went to the bdss show and watched her be amazing in full costume.
sonia is the only cabaret dancer i can honestly say i really liked. there was an adorable black girl, but she did more jazz stuff mixed with belly dance...she was good but, eh.
and watching the tribal girls onstage WITH the cabaret girls was just retarded...especially when they were doing the same moves...it was kinda sad actually. sonia could keep up, and always looked classy(even during the rediculous nasty stipper-esque/ghetto video slut dance the cabaret girls did...wow) but the other girls were so outdone it was crazy...

tribal is amazing, and so hard...so much muscle control...so much work...so much amazing.

zoe is insane. and samantha was good. and kami is adorable, and even though i dislike moria, she was stil so much better than the cabaret girls i liked her on thursday. weird. and there was another girl doing tribal stuff and playing with issam that we didn't know, she was good...

we got a zoe dvd and its nuts. i like that she's big on teaching you actual stuff and choeregraphy and how to put things together...i love rachel and all, but yeah...zoe is my fave and i think she's the best.

we saw gwyn @ the show, found her in time to get our tickets and she saved us seats and we talked about the workshop and stuff. she's having a bad time right now, but she's still beautiful and amazing. and she said i look like zoe, so that was sweet. she also laughed at me for scamming my way into using the mens room instead of waiting in line for the ladies...hehe. being a pretty girl is so useful sometimes!

we were gonna hang with zoe after the show (because she liked us and invited us at the workshop) but then gwyn ended up just going home so we just left nashville and headed home.

blaise came over and we had another night of talking before passing out. i was supposed to wake him up at like 8...then 9...then i really did around 1030ish i think...he actually left here around 1230...then came back to say goodbye before he actually left...hates.

all day yesterday my right leg was hurting...not both calves, just the right one...so i don't know what happened...and then i woke up this morning and its killing me...its almost impossible to walk...flexing the muscle hurts so bad...ugh. i'm afraid its gonna snap...

now i am turning my attention to the frozen fruit charlsie is attempting to steal from me...

almost as much as words...thats how much i love you

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 20:40:27 GMT

its funny how things tend to hit you right out of the blue sometimes...ive been fighting it like mad...but ive fallen again.
i didnt want to.
i had plans against it.
plans that included being single for real.
for the first time ever.
being able to date and not be in a relationship.

i should have known better, but i suppose thats how it goes.

i knew i was going to fall in love with josh. from the moment i met him. same with justin. and daniel. all three of them i knew. before we spent any time at all together i knew.

but blaise is different.
i had no intentions of even kissing him.
i just wanted to go home and sleep and allow for charlsie to be able to hang out with an old friend, which meant that blaise had to come along for the trip since he was driving...and then there we were talking til the sun was well in the sky and he was just amazing. he makes me feel like...i dont know...i cant really explain it but i havent felt anything like this ever. its different with him.
everything is different.

i cant pull myself away from him, even for minutes to shower and get read is hard.
im so not one for public affection, but i cant help but feel like somethings wrong and off if we are together and he isnt touching me.
and god, he just has to graze my skin and my brain goes stupid...
its been nonstop blaise and shanden time for the past week and im not at all sick of him and hes yet to do a single thing to bother me.
even a little.
nothing.
even josh had little things that bugged me after a few days. nothing big, but little things.

i dont know what hes done to me but im so completely done.
i told him last night that i loved him.
ive been fighting it, but i couldnt anymore.
i wasnt expecting him to say it back, and he didnt, and i really am okay with that.
im weird. and i fall fast.
and hard.
but when i do its real.
and i know thta he really hold that word to what it should mean.
i love that he realizes the full weight of the things he says.
hes amazing. i think hes just stupedous.
i know he doesnt, but i guess thats part of it.

im so attracted to him in pretty much every way. i love the way he looks and the way he talks and the sound of his voice, all of it. im completely smitten and i dont care who knows. i want everyone to know. he makes me feel amazing. and i know he feels the same.
theres not a seconds doubt in my mind that hes completely ginuine in everything that he says to me.
he was telling christina about me yesterday...im something crucial...and apparently ive swept him off his feet.

hes a big car guy. like obsessed. i like how we will be driving somewhere and ill see his head turn and hes spotted something and cant help but look. thats why hes supposed to be going to texas. to work on cars. to do what he loves. what hes passionate about...and while i want him to stay more than anything...i cant ask him to...he says he doesnt know if he can leave me because this is all so crazy but right and he doesnt want to let his being there fuck it up...im so completely done for...

he likes me more than he likes cars. he said it without prompting...i didnt hav eto even hint or ask or anything...all on his own he told me...i like him almost as much as i like words...more than puppies and even more than my phone, which i actually tossed away in order to look at him...crazy i know.

i dont understand this.
its weird and intense and crazy and perfect.

i love being around him...i love the way he makes me feel...love making him smile...love knowing that im the reason for him smiling...i just cant help but love him...im falling more and more every day...

its amazing...
hes amazing...

and now im going to go hpme and shower and crap so i can see him again.

i have like 5 seconds to update again

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 02:05:36 GMT

he's outside playing with hercules right now...monster dog likes most people but he seems to really like blaise...

i really like blaise...a whole lot. probably more than i should. but really who's to decide that? i've got a little over two more weeks with him before he leaves...i never really liked texas before...but now...i like it even less...

we are sitting at my parents place since i'm puppy sitting for them this weekend while they're at the races...hank is tooooooo freaking adorable. i love his mean little butt!

okay. boy back now...attention pulled.

happy shanden.

its skirt weather out there!

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 23:32:08 GMT

today is truly a nice day out...mini-skirt and no leggings weather.
i got dressed in jeans this morning, went and ran a few errands and then went home and changed...win!

okay! so! im 25! yay?

i had a great birthday weekend.
no pants dance party friday night, and while things werent perfect for other people i had a good time.
i danced.
i had no pants.
it had a bit of jack.
people came and joined in.
it was a good night.

after that night and through a very odd series of circumstances...namely his coming to the party and being friends with an old friend of charlsies, blaise ferrarccio and i have been spending a lot of time together. hes pretty neat. hes spent every night with me since friday. hes so peculiar. i enjoy it immensely. we havent done anything but kiss. making out with him is an inordinante amout of fun. we spend hours just laying there. talking. or not talking. in and out of sleep. its almost impossible to not be touching him or looking at him. its like we cant pull away from each other...its odd. i have to literally tear myself away. i hate it. but in a good way.
im oddly comfortable with him.
more so than is probably normal.
i love the way he looks at me.
and how he touches me.
its completely free of expectation and obligation and leering or i dont know...its genuine. and sincere. and when he says things that would sound like lines coming from other guys, things that HAVE sounded like lines...i dont at all doubt him.
ill be laying there with my eyes closed, or ill wake up, and when i open my eyes, he will be looking at me.
and its nice.
he says he just likes looking at me, that there are lots of nice partsto my face, that hes remembering me...
and it doesnt weird me out.
it makes me smile.
he makes me smile.
its weird.
we decided last night that odd is a better way to describe he and i than weird. it isnt weird being with him and the way we are, it is however odd. peculiar is the other term we agreed upon.
hes leaving for texas soon...which makes me very conflicted and a bit upset. i know hes going. i know he will be gone for at least a month before i see him again...and when i do see him again he will only be here for a week...and then it will be that cycle all over again...for i dont know how long...so its like im setting myself up...ugh.
but i cant help it...i like spending all the time i can with him...its just so easy...
i hate him. or you know, not.
lame.
so much lame.
falling for him isnt allowed...NOT ALLOWED.

and i feel slightly bad about he whole brian thing...i just dont know. i like him. hes a nice guy. i enjoyed spending time with him for a while...but then it got to this point where he wanted something i didnt want to give him. and i think i feel more bad about the fact that i dont feel as bad as i could...but he was told, by me and everyone else that i didnt want a relationship...and i didnt really want to date him...i didnt want it to be anything more than what it was at the very begining...but then he made it something else and it got weird and started to bother me and i just bailed. which granted, isnt very cool, and a pattern, but yeah. thats just how it goes with me sometimes...ive been trying to work on it, but sometimes it gets me still. and it did.

im a bitch.
i know.
i try not to be, but sometimes i fail.

lets see, what else...i have a wisdom tooth coming in...its a bitch...

uuum, my license expired on monday...its a bitch trying to get it renewed...hate. im really nervous driving now...hate. ew.

uuuum, im now caught up on LOST...fucking retarded. this show is retarded.

charlsie has been sick since my party, she says its because she was social...strep throat apparently comes from dancing about in your underpants....

christopher williams is back in my world. i missed him, so its good. i dont even know what to say about him other than i like making him feel awkward. we had coffee 2 weeks ago when he was in town dropping some stuff off at his parents...hes neat.

theres more im sure...but at the moment LOST is drawing all my attention...

i miss her mostly when i laugh

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:28:24 GMT

i havent cried over something that was real and not all about me in a really long time...i think the last time was watching britneys heart breaking and i just cried with and for her, and that was last summer...

13 days ago, my aunt linda died.
she was my dads sister and had been really really sick for a really long time, so it was a relief for her. and im glad that she isnt suffering anymore. but i miss her. and it kills me mostly becasue of julia. my little cousin. her granddaughter.
i cried so hard because of the fact that this amazingly bright and kind person is no longer a part of my life, but mainly because shes not going to be here for jules.
i always had aunt lin there.
she was there to help move me when i went away to school.
when justin broke up with me and i thought everything was over forever, she was there.
she was there for prom.
and graduation.
and everything.
she was the one member of my family that never for an instant made me feel awkward for who i was.
thats not to say she didnt make me feel awkward. i think i get a lot of the awkward in me from her...
she took a genuine interest in what i was doing, and things that were going on in my life, and she always let me know how amazing i was and with her i always had a judgment free zone...it was amazing...and jules doesnt have her.
it kills me.
i dont know how my life would have gone without her.
she was there for my mum when she needed an escape and im sure had a lot to do with my dad and her staying together and all kinds of things...i dont know...she was just amazing.

she was also the one who helped me to really put thought into my relationship with justin. she was one of the only voices that asked me the questions i had going through my head...and to hear them out loud made them a touch more real.
i dont really know how to explain it...it just makes me cry...
right now...tears.
huge ones.

when i got dressed for her funeral...i couldnt put on a black dress. it felt so wrong. i have half a dozen black dresses and then theres pants and skirts, but all i wanted to wear was this bright green dress i own...i settled on grey, but that green dress...i know thats what she would have liked me to wear...black felt so inappropriate...not for her.
we buried her in a pink dress.
that was her.
bright. happy.
even when she couldnt breathe.
even when she knew she was dying...
she would laugh and then need the oxygen and then say damnit! and then laugh again, starting the whole thing over...

she was amazing.
and im just so upset about it.
i hate myself for not going to see her the weekend before she passed...but i talked to her, and it was good.
she was happy about me getting my shit together.
happy that i was happy.
she said she could even hear it in my hello.
im so glad that shes not in pain anymore, but i miss her.
i miss her for me.
and billy.
and mostly for julia.

one of the hardest parts of the whole thing was watching my aunt bev cry...ugh, that woman has been the backbone of our family right alongside my father.
and seeing the two of them cry...i broke down.
i couldnt handle it.

i know my dad and i have never gotten along, and for the most part we seriously dislike each other...but i love him.
and the thought of him not being here, watching him be weak...i just...ugh.
i think i cried my weight in tears that day.

cant keep thinking like this.

ive been so stressed and just on edge lately.
i think i need a break from the world.
i wanna lock myself in my room and ignore everything.
but i know id hate not having the company.
the only thing worse than all the stress right now is being alone.
gives me too much time to think...
about things i shouldnt.
and things i should just do.
and people that should probably not be inside my dreams but are anyway.

ugh.
life.
or something similar.

i need a break.
or a swift kick in the ass.

its been a while

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 23:05:22 GMT

and i dont even really know where to start or what to say.

there is one thing i want to write about but i dont want to cry right now, so i will do that later.

theres brian to talk about...but i dont really know what to say about him...hes amazing. and so nice. and good to me. and all these things, but i just cant. not even a little.
im not ready. and even if i were i dont want to.
not because of him, because honestly, wow.
amazing doesnt really do him justice.
hes...just...yeah.

sometimes i worry that im going to end up making him cry...ive been very upfront and honest about how i feel, and he says hes okay with it...but still...i dont know. he really likes me. a lot.
and he is so nice to me...i dont know how to react half the time.
its so weird...
i kknow josh was nice the first month and a half, but jesus.
brian bought me a ticket to the zoe workshop ive been salivating over but cant afford because of, well, life.
insane.
i just dont know what to do with him...
well, thats a lie, i know a coulpe things.
and yes thats what i mean.
and yes its fun.
and yes i know.

whatever.
im allowed to be free of obligation and stress and commitment and bullshit for the first time in forever.
ive never been single and self aware...
im planning on having a good time being real lame and awkward and whatever.

i like my class. its fun.
ive made a few friends.
a girl who reminds me of jwoah alot, and her mom.
and shane.
shane is trouble.
and real attractive.
and lives in utah and is really weird and taking the cna class while visiting his family which includes his little sister who is bffs with steph...weird.
i wanna make out with him.

charlsie and i are moving this weekend to our new place.
its nice.
and im excited.

my birthday is in 12 days.
id planned on being in philly but because of school i cant.
lame.
but once i get settled into the new place and the new job, ill be headed north!

okay. i have a lot of crap to get done, just needed a quick update.
needed to get this little bit out...
im happy.
i really am.
and not because of anyone but me.
it feels really nice.
i like it.
i like it a lot.

so, um, yeah.

Sat, 31 Jan 2009 03:23:09 GMT

its true.
about so many people.
at the moment, specially about this one kid...

ugh.
life.
its a pain.

is it next weekend yet?

also!
josh is talking to me again.
i attacked him with a giant bag of clothes and told him hed be a jerk if he kept not being my friend, so he said okay.
good deal.
now im trying to get him to buy me a ticket to the zoe workshop like ben did for charlsie.
i think he should.
i mean, comeon!

spent the day with britneyhead and charlieface.
we got tacos.
and ice cream.
and then britney made me real jealous and bought pretty clothes...
lame.

tomorrow we are going to see ill patriot.
yay perry!
hes neat.

my mother is trying to make me crazy...i hate it.
its working.

im frustrated in every way possible at the moment i think...ugh.

is it next weekend yet?

ive followed nickys lead and am in love with this site...

for a lot.

recap!

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 03:30:24 GMT

so, i did this last year, and i decided to do it again this year.
first entry of every months subject line and first line.
also, a few words about that post.

january:
heavyheavyeyelids
"im slowly falling into a state of reckless abandon "
i do that. a lot. still.

february:
i feel better about my day when youre a part of it
"its true."
gayness abounds.

march:
i care too much even for the people who dont want me...
"im sitting here"
i was at my parents...never a fun thing. just like now...lots of loud.

april:
under strict orders from my wifey, an update!
""i love waking up to your eyes.""
this was when everything was still perfect. we went to bed together and woke up together...this was the last month of that being more than just once a month.

may:
i feel as though im gonna fall over
"everytime i sit down to write...i stare blankly at whatever medium im sitting with. "
writers block sucks. a lot.

june:
dead tired
"i would probably feel better if id slept last night. "
this was one of many posts about josh never sleeping with me.

july:
waiting...still just waiting...
"my heart hurts...i don't like the way i feel when you aren't here..."
this was the first time we were apart for more than a day since march...it was really hard for me, not so much for him come to find out.

august:
...
"i'm sorry for all the ways that i mess things up...i'm sorry for all the things i take out on you in my unfair rage..."
i am a brat, i was an even bigger one for a real long time.

september:
seething frothing mad
"i hate not being able to talk about problems..."
jared and i had a verybigdealrealfriendshipestablishingearthmovingimportante talk after this. and now hes in my top favoritest people ever list.

november:
lost
"i'm not really sure why, but i feel like my heart is gone. "
this was 4 days before josh broke up with me...

december:
as soon as forever is through, ill be over you...
"everyone keeps telling me i'll be fine.
and i know they're right."
and i am.

the end!

it made me smile. real big. for a long time.

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 02:31:46 GMT

"he broke up with you?
yes.
really?
yes. and while im fine and i dont cry about it anymore i dont wanna talk about it. okay?
nonono, maybe im not making my point correctly...he broke up with YOU?! obviously theres something wrong with his brain. i mean LOOK AT YOU!
...oh. well...thanks."

sometimes...boys...they can be pretty good for the self esteemes.

im typing this while helping my sister study for her entrance exam for nursing school...ive been through this process with her for many many months...she keeps failing...i think this is her 3rd or 4th time taking the test...i told charlsie tonight that im choosing to look at it like i will just be extra prepared for when i take mine in a few months.

im starting to feel less sickly. a little anyway.

i just found out dwight is coming to vistit sometime soon!
yaaaaay!

uuuum...
oh! charlsie and i went and looked at the actual place we will be moving into in a month.
is nice.
we think we are going to have a red door.
super aresum.
although it does have carpet...its still okay.
i just suggested we get a space heater and turn the garage into a dance studio.
im looking forward to central air come summer.
gotta say itll be nice.
and it has a great creepy hallway deal that leads to the deck out back. it reminds me of the hallway in the shining. i keep expecting to see the grady twins. but luckily they havent shown up yet.

uuuum.
hrm.
etsy wants to steal my soul...or, you know, all the money i dont have!

i have dance class tomorrow night and i hope that i regain complete control over my balance by then.
or, um, as much control over it as i have on a daily basis...

im also watching lost reruns on scifi as part of my multitasking...
i miss charlie.
locke is damn crazy.
sawyer is real funny.
hurley is the best ever.

she & him makes my heart happy.

zooey makes the world a better place.
and damn straight with those cowboy boots!
all the cool kids wear em!
i even like the sad ones that i so identify with at certain times dring the day...

okay...has to pay real attentions now to the sister person.

i like being flattered. its nice.

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 22:27:24 GMT

sometimes i get this nagging feeling im forgetting something...every so often ill remember and thats that, but sometimes...like right now...no clue. theres something that i feel like im forgetting but i cant for the life of me figure out what...

itll come to me...
or not...

its travisheads birthday today. we have been friends for a real long time. many many years. like a billion. or 10. thats a decade. hes my oldest friend who i actually see every so often and chit chat with on a regular basis. had you told me this when we were in high school id have slapped you in the mouth while laughing at you. i was real real mean back then...and travis and i hated each other for the longest time, so i think its neat that i heart him now. and he actually likes me too! we is for realz friends!
yeah.

yesterday was fun times. well, part of it was. the first half was kinda lame. but last night was good times.
went over to britney and emilys place and watched some teevee. ate some piza.
then britney and i went to see perry.
yay perry!
i havent seen him in almost a year.
but it was nice.
we stood outside of the venue and talked for a while. i miss talking to perry on a weekly basis. hes a good talker.
real smart like. and nice. and funny. and often abrasive.
its enjoyable.
he makes me laff.
lotsa smiles from that kid.
he says things that make me blush.
and also he shares my lost addiction. its real nice.
he is going to be mister punkrock boy until...sometime in the not too distant future...so he will be out of the area for a while.
which is lame because hes fun.
we said goodbye when it was time for ill patriots set because, as i told him, im not paying to hang out with him, and britney and i went back to her place. later that night she told me she actually kinda wanted to go to the show, which made me feel a little bad, because id have gone in. that wouldnt have been the same as paying to hang with perry...britney is feeling the insane pull of needing to see a show that often takes hold of people such as us. so we may go to see ill patriot when theyre back around here at the end of the month...who knows.
aaanayway we watch the L WORD...which ive never seen before...it was very confusing and drama fillled...ive said it many many times before, even if i wasnt totz straight and into dudeguys, i could never be a lesbian. bitches be crazy. i could never be in a relationship with a woman. too much crazy.
then we went to walmart...superawesometoyfuntimes were had. and britney bought a candle that smells like boy...its real weird.
and, for your own good, dont smell paula dean candles...they will try to kill you through your nose.
true story.

also of note in my life is that i have become text friends with a guy that i find to be quite enjoyable and that i have a good time talking to...however, he is...something with nan. i dont know what exactly, and i really dont care because im not really interested, but yeah, they are something. which could make for some measure of awkwardness, but whatever. hes pretty swell. quite the flirt, which is fun. and hes smart. and funny. i dig it. charlsie too. theys friends now too.
why do people always make mountains out of molehills...i just want a neat new friend...hes a neat new friend!

whatever.
bitches me crazy. dudes be assholes.

soooo i got my bellydance superstars publicity stuf in the mail today so charlsie and i are gonna be all distributey with it when we go to nashville tomorrow...were gonna go do fun stuffs and i hope i can see travis...maybe...thatd be neat.

britney is still planning on taking me to see katy perry for my birthday, however she keeps changing locations and saying we should drive to a show closer to my birthday...like in philly, or houston...shes nutty. i love her.
im glad things are all good again. it feels right this way.

im sad that james is moving...we havent really become friends friends but i like him. a lot. hes super awesome.
hes moving to richmond though...maybe i can make a pit stop and see him when i pit stop to snuggle jackie and steal her puppies...and poke at adrian.

okay, well, this concludes my latest instalment of shandens blog i.e. crack rock for julia, have a great day!

teehee, i loves you joooooyaaaaah.
break a leg tonight!
beeteedubs i know i texted you that, but this makes it even more of a serious deal.
you know how i feel about my journal.

dancing on tables for the win.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 05:43:41 GMT

last night was a whole lotta fun.
i spent a lot of time dancing on chawa and jetpacks coffee table. it started as my refusing to be the shortest person in the room, and then progressed to britney and i dancing on the table.
i was either standing or dancing on it for a right long time, and was joined every so often by someone. be it britney(cuase she was there for the most part), jamie, neely, jared i believe, charles i know, becca danced with me from the floor...um, yeah. it was fun.
as the evening was winding down i flopped onto jareds bed and was covered in a britney, neely, and jamie blanket. it was like our halloween joke only funny and not sad. this time i was laughing and no where near having a stress attack and crying. then jamie left and charles replaced her. then we decided to venture forth to waffle house.
i had a great time until my head decided to feel like it was exploding....im still feeling sickly today. and i think i have an ear infection.
neat.

but yeah.
im so excited for tomorrow.
in about 12 hours Obama swears in to office...
i really cant explain in words the happy in my heart...

and belly dance class is tomorrow night, im happy about that too.

im going to look into the burlesque shop they have tomorrow night too i think...hrm.

"i need it to dahyance!"
charlsie gets it, you dont have to.

alos, britney is taking me to see katy perry for my birthday, um there really arent words to express my excitment. its better expressed as a rediculous jumping up and down spinning squealing thing that i no is incomprehensible because i did it last night and a kitchen full of dudes were all "did that just really happen, what the hell, we could not understand any of that" to which i responded by simply doing it again. uuuuhsited!

"call me sometime" = "lets fuck"...huh?

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:06:29 GMT

okay so. i got back to clarksville friday afternoonish...
knoxville to clarksville in 2 hours 27 minutes...neat.
ANYWAY, i changed, drove to charlsie and we had our reunion dance, it was real gay and lasted oll of 5 seconds.
we then sat around talking and decided to go do something...
dinner at olive garden is where we ended up after a trip to target.
yes, this is how we spend our friday nights.
and we love it.
i little.

so we get there and theres a wait, but after a few minutes they say we can sit in the bar area immediately if we want, hey what the hell! so we do. and our waiter comes over and hes kinda cute, and keeps looking at me. okaaay.

now, i know im not imagining any of the things that follow, because i have a witness in the form of a charlsie...
so when we are ordering and whatnot our waiter asks me my name and where i went to high school and then we realize that we do in fact know each other, he is chris turner, but he doesnt look like he used to. hes taller, and cuter, and whatever.
anyway throughout the meal, he is very flirty and he touched my arm and whatnot a few times and charlsie noticed like i did, that when he was walking around the restaurant, he was looking at me, a lot. once i was aparently unaware and making a very odd face, but he kept looking so i guess he didnt mind...
okay cool. hes not tragic looking and im okay with it.
about halfway through our meal i notice hes talking to a girl in the front of the restaurant, theyre standing there talking and then they disappeared and then he was back.
well when we leave i left my number with a note.
it said:
hey, i was you with a girl earlier, if she isnt your girlfriend you should call me sometime, if she is well, i guess you should wait until she isnt in the room.
then my name and number.

we thought it was funny. a stupid note.

well sunday night in the middle of charlsie and i having a movie marathon of sorts,my phone rings from an unknown number, anyone who knows me knows i dont pickup unknowns. pretty much ever. its a thing i do. or rather dont.
so i didnt pick up. and charlsie and i go about our night. i forget about the call until yesterday, so i call it back.
it rings a lot, then i hear a girls voice and it cuts out...
i call back...same deal. phone cuts out.
i figure i did my part, they can call or whatever if its real important.
the i get a text. and this exchange follows over a good bit of time...charlsie and i of course have really awesome commentary the whole time, but heres the exact text exchange that transpired, same spelling and all:

unknown number:
why wont you answer your phone?
me:
i called you...then the call cut off. twice...
random number:
Oh! im the guys girlfriend you left a note for friday night after dinner.
me:
okay...hello...?
random number:
i just wanted to tell u that we didnt appreciate u writing him that.. im not trying 2 be rude it was just disrespectful guess u dont care though
me:
um...wow...i dont understand your need to contact me and be all weird...way to miss the humor...
random number:
im glad that acting like a trashy girl is humorous to you!
me:
im glad that you arent smart enough to understand sarcasm. please leave me alone now little one.
random number:
u know what ur right why am i waisting my time talking 2 some1 who thinks trying 2 fuck some other girls bf is humorous & sarcastic! im gonna pray 4 u!
me:
please, do.
random number:
i will funny girl!
me:
thanks. i appreciate it.

once i found out who it was she went into my phone as "chrsis/crazybitchass girlfriend"
i am very worried about the mental health of this girl...i wonder if she calls every one who gives her boyfriend their number? does she follow him around...would she rather people find him unaattractive? because he is a good looking guy, and he wasnt wearing a sign that said "i have a girlfriend, and she be crazy jealous!" so i saw no reason to not leave my number, which i wouldnt have done if i hadnt felt he was flirting with me...but either way, why did she call me? i dont understand...maybe because im not crazy...
i remember when i was a cocktail waitress, i had one of those giant cork boards and i tacked up all the numbers i got from guys while i was working. justin and i talked and laughed about guys that hit on me while i was working...i became friends with a few of them outside of work and as far as i know, justin never called any of them. if he had been doing that, well, wed have had even more issues, but whatevs.

and since when does telling someone to call you sometime equal wanting to bone them?!?!

charlsie and i laughed a lot at this silly bitch, and i wanted to tell her that i needed her to pray for me extra hard because i spent sunday sleeping with lots of other girls boyfriends, but then realized she definitely wouldnt see the sarcasm there...

bitches be crazy.

classes start in 2 weeks...my birthday is in 40someodd days...looking at apartments in nasville...and all kinds of extra crap...i have a headache from so much stuff rumbling around in my brain...do not like.

cant you just pretend to be nice?

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 05:57:33 GMT

so , charlsie and i are watching movies. and josie and the pussycats is like one of my favs ever, and shes never seen it. SHAME! so i put it on...and i realized while singing along to the amazingness that is the soundtrack, i came to a realization. this song pretty much wraps up my relationship with josh in a pretty bow.

weird.
notice the bold...seriously, my life.

Pretend To Be Nice

Well he looks at me with those Innocent eyes,

And says it looks like you're wearing some kind of disguise,
Because your hair sticks up, your shoes are untied,
I hope that you got that shirt on half price,
And every word I say falls flat on the floor,
I try to tell a joke, he's heard it before,
And I don't think that I can take it no more,
He's driving me right out of my front door,

Why do you do what you do to me baby,
You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy,
You know if I could I'd do anything for you,
Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you,

But can't you just pretend to be nice,
Can you at least pretend to be nice,
If you could just pretend to be nice,
Then everything in my life would be alright,

Oooh wee....
Oooh wee....

And I try so hard just to figure him out,
But he won't tell me what he's thinking about,
And then he falls asleep on the living room couch,
With his sunglasses on and his tongue hanging out,
And then he disappears for a week at a time,
And then he shows up just like everything's fine,
And I don't get what goes on in his mind,
But I'm tired of hearing the same stupid lines,

Why do you do what you do to me baby,
You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy,
You know if I could I'd do anything for you,
Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you,

But can't you just pretend to be nice,
Can you at least pretend to be nice,
If you could just pretend to be nice,
Then everything in my life would be alright,

Oooh wee....
Oooh wee....

Why do you do what you do to me baby,
You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy,
You know if I could I'd do anything for you,
Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you,

(Oooh wee....)

But can't you just pretend to be nice,
Can you at least pretend to be nice,
If you could just pretend to be nice,
Then everything in my life would be alright,

[Fade out]

so very very odd...i wonder if now that im back he will realize that he should be my friend and not ignore me...thatd be nice. i miss his stupidhead.

whatever.
i dont care.
thats a lie.
i do.
he should stop being a vagina and talk to me.
thats what i think.

this is the best movie ever.
i love it.
a lot.

alan cumming, perfection.
parker posey. perfection.

also, seth green, breckin meyer, and donald faison all in a band together?
yes.
so. much. yes.

planning...or...something...

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 23:13:17 GMT

so. much. crap.

snargleflarp.
i wanted philly.
i'm getting nursing school.

its a drawn out lengthy deal. but its being paid for. not by me. it'll have a built in job. granted its here and not there, but it'll allow for many visits. which is a suitable trade i suppose.

and i get charlsie back.
which makes it pretty damn well worth it.
we're talking about moving to nashville...i want to. its better than clarksville, which i know isn't hard, but yeah. i'm going. she has to come along. i refuse any other option. it is also a way for her to escape working for her dad, which i know she wants.

we are supposed to be planning and talking and such right now...but i'm doing this and we're watching ever after...we are the lamest.

anyway. yeah.
life.
i'm happy again.

i've missed charlsie.
now just to make a few changes to a few other things here...and then have the birthday week i want...
philly! maureen! vinny! john! so many people!
and baltimore! and will! and smash! and more people!
and fairfax! and nicky! and daniel! and a few other people!
i think i may dra charlsie along on this endevor as well...

in response to being told to get over it.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 03:58:42 GMT

im guessing by britney, in response to my writing about not understanding her...well, i suppose you can read it. if you want. its right before this one. scroll down. (a lot of this is a pointed response, so yeah.)

im not obsessing. and i am moving on.

i dont really think anyone can tell any other person how to deal with the things that depress or hurt or change them.

secondly, i really dont see how anyone can get off telling me what to do when they havent spent more than maybe a few hours with me since this happened.

also, im not throwing a pity party, but this does happen to be my journal, which is where i vent the things im upset about, so yeah, when i feel sad about the fact that im a bit heartbroken, i write about it here. you dont have to read it.

and im allowed to be hurt. im allowed to be sad. i loved him, i still do. and yeah, hes done. but im not exactly capable of simply shutting off my emotions, or even pretending to. because when you dont deal with the way that you feel it does nothing but create more stress and anger and just plain BAD SHIT. which is a major part of why he broke up with me.

because i didnt deal with a lot of shit that made me angry and it was there to add fuel to any little thing that he did that bothered me.

being angry all the time is something i dont want to be anymore.

so i vent. im being told that its healthy by people who i guess know their shit. so again, you dont have to read it. but i need to write it. and here is where i choose to.

britney, you hurt me almost as much as he did.
and i dont get why.
you were suppossed to be my friend.
and you bolted.
and lied to me.

and i dont have a problem with people not wanting to be around someone who does nothing but cry, but i havent been that person for weeks now.

and you werent there when I was so id like to know where you get off saying thats why youve distanced yourself from me now? i was there for you when you needed me. i checked on you. i asked if you were okay. i listened when you wanted to talk, and we did other shit when you didnt, i offered any help i could. becuase you were my friend. and thats what you do. youre there for the people you care about when they need you. without them asking you to be. and i didnt say anything to you about how i thought you staying angry, and in my opinion not fully dealing with your breakup, because its not my place to tell you how to deal. i could be wrong. you may be completely over the whole thing, but you get to deal your way. and i get to deal in mine.

the only thing being alone here has to do with josh is that i moved because i couldnt stay in clarksville. and that is a decision im happy with. he was the only reason i stayed as long as i did. and the only reason im not where i want to be is because being here is a pit stop to get back on my feet and be a grown up. and im alone because i dont know anyone here. i dont have a job yet and i simply dont know anyone in this city, so yeah, sometimes its depressing, but you know what, i call one of the people who stuck around to check on me when i was falling apart and they make it better. they make me laugh.

so please, dont tell me to "get over it" when pretty much the last time i saw you, you were so angry and rude to jared because of what happened in august that i told him he could leave even though i wanted him to stay because he was uncomfortable. im dealing. i want to be good. i want to really be better. and pretending i am isnt going to do it.

i have to be sad and depressed before i can be happy.

but im getting there.

the days are less sad as they go by, and i understand why josh broke up with me. i dont completely agree with it, because for me, love is something you fight for, but i get that i tore us down. It wasn’t all my fault but a lot of it was. and ive let go the hope that he will change his mind. but i cant let go of loving him. ever.

and im glad for that. hes changed my life in a big way.

and im allowed to be sad that he isnt my friend.

and im allowed to be sad that you arent.

i dont sit alone and cry about it anymore, because im better. ive moved on from that.

and i refuse to appologize for dealing with this in a way that works for me.

its not fair for you to say this is my fault, because it isnt.

the handful of people who were there to see all the comatose and horrible pity party fueled days(because there were quite a few), theyre still talking to me.

im not the person i was a few months ago. and i am so glad for that. im not angry like i was. it took loosing the person i loved for it to happen, but i can already see that im healthier for it. and when i am completely over josh, it will be even better.

you not being my friend is on you.

i will be okay with what ive got, and ill find more.
but i think its okay to be sad about loosing people i love.
and i think its okay to want them back.
and i think its healthy to want to try.

balls in your court, but im up for a game...

i dont understand...

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 23:17:32 GMT

i dont understand britney.
at all.
i just dont get why she doesnt want to be my friend anymore.
or how i could have been so in the dark to what i suppose is her real personality...
i dont get a lot of things though so i dont know...
no matter what i tried she just stopped.
i guess im a really easy person to stop caring about.
to stop loving.
at least for her and josh. its a bit more than a bit of a let down.
i lost my 2 best friends and i dont know how to get either of them to even pretend i exist.
maybe i shouldnt try.
i have to make myself not call josh. or write him. or have any kind of contact with him.
he knows i miss him and thats all i can do. i guess i shouldt expect him to ever care, but i want my best friend back.
not my boyfriend, my friend.
i love him and i miss him being a part of my life.
and ive tried every way i can think of to reach out to britney.
the next move is theirs.

maybe i should just give up...

not everyone has given up on me.
if i didnt have the few people who do care, id be even more sad.
i just wish that at least one of them were here in knoxville.
being so alone all the time sucks.
i only know becca and chris.
and becca hasnt called and i dont really know...
and then chris is being a major tard.

i wish willberface wasnt all the way in maryland...hes about the only thing making me smile at all right now...lame.

this week has been real real bad.

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 05:00:35 GMT

this week has been a long one...i dont ever want to get old.

ive spent the past 5 days watching after my aunt.
which wouldnt be a big deal, and i guess it really isnt, but she has alzheimers.
and it is just horrible...i remember her from when i was younger and that woman is gone.
she cant do anything for herself anymore. its so sad. shes lived this life of workworkwork and shes gone through so much and she was such a great woman...but now that shes at an age where should could stop and enjoy it...shes gone. and theres this person who is so not her in her clothes.
she worked hard and smart, shes almost a millionaire.
and she cant enjoy it.
she cant even remember it.

she cant do much without supervision.
shes like a little kid.
its like watching my 5 year old cousin.
only i can remember when i was little and she cut up my food for me, and made sure the water wasnt too hot before i showered, and how she used to make silly faces at me when i hurt myself and cried...ive remembered so many things from when i was little that have made me cry this week...its heartbreaking.

ive had enough heartbreak.
in enough different ways.
for a lifetime.
for 20 lifetimes.

im done being sad.
im ready to be happy.
and smile.
im tired of crying.
ive spent way too much time doing it.

also, tucker carlson is a douche. i just reread an article he wrote back in...november, i think...anyway, its about sex and how religious people have better sex and how some nutty evangelical pastor things that the cure to any problem in your marriage(even a cheating spouse!) is to do it. now, im all about doing it. i like to have the sex, not in a random slutty manner, but yeah, however! i do not think its the end all be all fix it solution these d-bags do...
also, i have better sex than a whole hell of a lot of people, i know that for a fact, and im far from religious.
far from.
lots better.

miss miss, i miss you much

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 02:59:15 GMT

happy new year.

i still miss him.
more than i should.
but im okay.
really.
i want him back in my life, but im sure hed rather keep acting as if i dont exist rather than be my friend...

it hurts.

i miss my best friend.

ive got tears. no champagne.

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:19:13 GMT

this:

is maureen.

and
this:

is charlsie.

they are my best furendz.

i really dont know what i would do without either of them...and i hope that they believe me every single time i tell them that lil bit of info.

i remember the first i saw me the irish one. it was st pats and we were in west chester pa. lana and i had gone to see the high court and hang. i wanted to see vinny...i met chris...we drank green beers...the show got canceled...a fight broke out...cops was called...and there was this adorable little redhead hanging out with jb and a retardedly tall kid named jon that everyone had been talking about all night. i didnt care about him. i didnt even remember his face to connect it the next time i met him, save the fact that the adorable redhead was with him again. we didnt talk that night more than to say hello.

then a few weeks later lana and i ventured forth to see the thc boys again, this time philly. again, i really just wanted to see vinny. also mike, cause i love him. and chris a bit too. this night ended with a large group of people hitting the kyber(after vin took me on a city tour, yay liberty bell!) and dancing for forever. this is when i spoke to maureen. i remembered her and after that night we started chatting on myspace and when i started dating chris i saw her lots more on my visits. she stole a piece of my heart with her loud, loving, fashionsensehaving, sneakerobsessed, beautiful, openhearted, dancecrazed, 40drinkin, amazing ways.

i spent a week with her before imoved back to tennessee and it was most def the second best time of my life.
only topped by falling in love with josh.

and the japanese one i met at the horrible hole that is twins. she walked in all asian and perfect and i hated her for it. not really but i kept telling her how retardedly pretty she was and took pictures of her. im sure she was weirded out. we talked to each other more than really anyone else whenever we ended up out at the same times...and then we ended up living across the hall from each other, and then with each other. she is the main reason that i am still sane. she helped me through the hardest thing ive dealt with in my adult life(and still is actually.) shes been here to keep me from loosing my mind when i lost my heart.

i couldnt survive without them. they really are the best. i dont really d friendships with girls, but these i need to live.

i cant wait to get to philly and hug maureen again, those two things(the redhead and the city) help me know im okay and that things are right in the world.
and im looking forward to visiting charlsie in a few weeks when im forced to return to clarksville for a bit. inside jokes are awesome period, but in person you get the full effect.

i miss them both. and love them more thani could ever put into words.

dear you two, you make me feel better even when i dont think i can breathe. thank you.

dont know why, but i needed to get that all out.

birthday plans

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 03:58:36 GMT

ive decided that im spending my birthday in Philly...only mike knows so far...i should probs inform maureen and vinny since im gonna make one or both of them let me crash at their place...either way, im ready.

my only fear is that ill get there and never leave.

its not so much a fear as a deep deep wish...i hate everywhere but Philly. its the only place ive ever really felt at home. even when i was all alone. walking around that city is one of the most fulfilling things ive ever done...and i did it quite a bit last time i was there...

im also a bit in love with it because it has the largest number of people who make me feel loved. and wanted. and just plain happy.

i miss it everyday.

and i dream about it all the time...how weird is that...not only dreams that are taking place there(which happens A LOT) but sometimes ill wake up and ill have just dreamed about the city itself...the skyline, rittenhouse park, walking the streets around maureens moms apartment, playing in the fountains, and running from security guards for it...i miss it like its a person...and to me, it means almost as much as the few select people who know my deep dark secrets.

Philadelphia has my heart more than any man probably ever will...and i wont feel complete until im back.

im just passing my time trying to figure out whats going to become of me until i know how to make it back there for real.

im in love with a city.

and its name is Philly.