random ramblings

well. its been...over a year...theres been a lot. i have returned to livejournal because its where i always used to come to get it out & have a few friendly ears on the other end...mostly nicky. which is terribly funny because the thing thats pressing on my mind at the moment makes me think of you...

see...theres this boy. with me, isnt that usually the case? well hes pretty splendid. also, he has a girlfriend. the whole situation makes me think of the whole daniel thing...only its different. because where daniel & i never acknowledged any kind of anything between us...well...every time i see this one its discussed. which is odd. i dont know if that makes it better or worse...its odd. theres no way to pretend its not real...or one sided...which i guess is good for my brain, but still...the tension is insane...when im around him it takes all my self control, every fiber of my being is fighting against my desire to simply pounce on him...the word attraction doesnt seem to do much justice to the feeling.

ive been staring at ryan for a rather long time...a year plus...mostly because i find him wildly attractive. hes all angles & floppy hair & expressive & awkward...& a while ago we started randomly having very short conversations at the bar every so often...& then decided to hang out away from the bar...well...my self inflicted brain & heart & intense sexual frustration compounds every time we are around each other. he is genuinely splendid.

i like his brain. i like the way it works. its odd to find a person like him around here. which makes sense because he isnt from here. im kinda glad that our friendship didnt start earlier though...because while it is terrible that im going to only have a few months to get to know him...& already i feel i have a good footing...if this whole thing had started earlier, i would be even more doomed...i need to get back to philly. july cant come quickly enough to save me...but he would complicate things if we had more time together...he is already complicating things...

most obviously because of the girlfriend. because i have never REALLY been that girl...ive been thought to be as much often times...but ive never actually been the other woman to a relationship...but seriously...its difficult. & i know it is on his end as well. which is troublesome.

ive always been of the opinion that you can STEAL people, even when ive been the wronged party...loryn didnt steal justin. we were already fucked 3945439 ways past fucked when she entered the shit show. otherwise he would never have looked twice at her. because when youre really happy, when youre where youre supposed to be, with who you are supposed to be with, then other people arent an issue. sure, random slight attractions are normal...but you dont have conversations like he & i have had in such cases...you arent constantly fighting against an overwhelming desire to attack someones face with your face...which, due to all the talking about our situation, i know isnt only something i am hyper aware of...

& while there is no physical anything going on, as a girl, i get his lady being upset...which last night was made an issue when our waffle house trip had to be cut short because of a billion text messages & things we didnt really talk about past his telling me he thinks shes upset...i knew the day was coming, but blargh.

there is something between he & i & while neither of us are acting on it, its undeniable...which for a girl is probably worse...that whole emotional vs physical thing...i dont know...its all weird & painful & stuff...but im not going to do anything to change the situation.

im entirely fascinated by him. he mesmerizes me. i love watching him talk. i love the words that come out of his mouth. which i have to make myself not stare at. or touch.

i sat bolt upright from a dream last night in which we were hanging out on the floor of his bedroom talking. he was sitting next to me, i was reclined against the edge of the bed, & i looked up & he was just talking about whatever we were talking about & i was just watching him, gesticulate wildly like he does, & i just reached up & touched his lips...he stopped talking when my hand was closing in & looked at me. he just watched me do it. then we just sat there for a minute or so...then he smiled that ridiculous adorable crooked smile of his. i sat up & started to apologize but before i could even really get the words out he kissed me...thats round about when i woke up.

its not anywhere near the first time ive dreamt about kissing him, nor do i expect it to be the last...

ive only had a few legitimate relationships in my life...& all the ones i ended were because i realized that i didnt feel about the guy the way you should when youre with someone...what was the final straw that made me realize this vitally important thing? HAVING FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE ELSE. & this boy is smart...like...REALLY smart...if that thought hasnt passed through his brain...well...i just dont even know...im wondering how much longer before we are having one of our chats about the tension & situation we keep making worse for ourselves that i bring that up...ive already told him why i ended those previous relationships...so...he knows where i stand...

he once said to me "i wonder what you must think of katie & i's relationship..." my response was truthful, "i try not to judge other peoples relationships...it only leads to trouble..." but i do think that there is SOMETHING going on within their relationship that has nothing to do with me. im not a cause. or even really a symptom...im an outlier.

as i was driving him home last night, after he told me he thought that she was upset about "us", i couldnt help but think to myself that sometime soon, SOMEONE in this situation is going to drop the other shoe, say the thing that needs to be said, & then something is going to change...im worried about the outcome...i know from personal experience i can go years without acting on my desires...& we only have a few months left, so we are good on my end...but when i was in the other 2 sets of shoes...i didnt.

when i realized justin had feelings for loryn, i left. sure, he did the breaking up, but i flat out asked him, he didnt lie, & i refused to play second string.
& when i realized that i had feelings for daniel after justin & i had gotten back together, even though i knew daniel & i were not going to happen, i ended it.
& with blaise, same thing...




but im not the one who can do anything to change anything about where we are...im the outlier...

i feel like my best friend doesnt really care to be my best friend anymore.
it hurts way deep down inside.

it has felt weird for a while now, but lately its worse.
& that, i feel, has a lot to do with someone whom i completely misjudged & brought into our lives.
it sucks.
i dont really know what to say to her.
im hurt & confused & have cried about it far more than i wish to have.
& part of me sees this as a similar thing to the whole lauren-justin thing...i cant really explain that completely but it feels the same.
i feel like im being replaced by someone who isnt a very good person.
someone who, granted i dont really know all that well,but seems to really enjoy cutting people down.
someone like the person i was a few years ago.
it sucks.

i miss maureen more & more every day.
i miss ashley more & more every day.
im glad i have britany more & more every day.

there are so many little things that i let slide because i suppose ive come to accept them even when they annoy or piss me off to no end...but lately ive been getting little remarks about lesser degrees of the same things flipped around.
& there never really seems to be a time to talk.
theres always something to do, somewhere to go, someone coming over...on both sides, but its starting to wear me down.
& i know that charlsie doesnt really want to talk about anything.
thats the part that hurts the most.
i dont really think she cares enough about it anymore.
we had all these plans that are now like boxed up & tossed out all because of i dont know what.

i hate negative crap.
i thrived off it for far too long & as a result simply try my best to avoid it now.
even when thats a really bad idea.
i dont know how things got so messed up, but i really dont like it.

i want my best friend back.

im tired of this.
all of it.

immaturity has never really been a good way to come at me, & ive never been okay with my friends being okay with people being people being rude/mean/hurtful towards me & have always been very upfront when said friends when those things were happening...but i feel if i confront charlsie about this whole ashley thing she will take it as an attack on her which it isnt, like she will think im asking her to choose, which isnt the case either...i just dont understand...& i need to. i take attacks on my friends very personally which is a big part of my whole ridiculous heart & being a pisces & so i subsequently get very hurt when they dont react the same...which i suppose is silly. i guess. i dont know.

i hate all these unanswered questions in my life...im tired of them.
i dont like starting the new year in doubt.
ive been doing it for far too long...

i think im jumping the lj ship and heading for tumblr...i mean....im not 100% i need to explore the timblr site tonight when i get home, but it looks more easier and funner...we shall see...



more laters! i haz wurk!

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

from miss quackenbush i got:

blaise: i could probably go on for days...and i have gone on at great length in previous posts...so i will say that i have fallen for a guy who makes me feel like no one ever has before. from the way he says my name to the way he touches me, the way he smiles to the way he looks at me...i love it all. hes been in texas since friday and while i hate that hes gone, and i want him back here with his arms around me, im okay. im not falling apart. i dont spend all day in bed. im not a babbling crying fool. it reminds me of when josh left for a week last year and i fell apart. im happy with blaise in a way i dont think i ever really have been before. its easy and im so comfortable, but whenever i think about him, and especially when he touches me, is like a jolt of electricity goes through me. im happier than i can ever really remember, and we are good together. its healthy. its fun. its pretty amazing. as hard as it is to be away from him, to pull myself out of the nice little bubble we seem to have with each other, i am okay without him. i cant wait for him to get back at the end of the week so that we can spend more time being all dopey eyed over each other.

ninjas: i love me some pirates, but seriously man, ninjas are so efing badass its retarded. ive been a fan forevs and my huge obsession with japan is a part of it. its an entire culture and way of life that people often over look and simply dismiss because its so secretive and there are super awesome tales all up over the place glorifing their who history and what not. the point of being a ninja was stealth, so obviously the records and histories, not so clear and available. there wasnt really a ninja version of jack sparrow we can look at and be all, "yeeeeah" about, samuria sure, i mean GOD DAMN KEN WATANABE!, but not so much for ninja. and theyre just hot...seriously, all the sneaky spy shit the western world stole from them, sexy.

nashville: im very anti this place most days, but it really isnt ALL bad. theres fun stuff to do. places to hang. not nearly as much fun and culture that i appreciate but hey. the opry is awesome, and theres lots of places in nashville that remind me of the few really good memories i have with my dad from when i was little. the adventure science museum is SUPPOSED to be for kids, but fuck that shit,its awesome. i love the flying saucer, more beer than you can drink. the belcourt is an awesome old theater that makes me happy. there are a few other bars and whatnots. i love walking around in any big city...so, yeah, its not quite big enough for me but its neat.

kurt halsey: i cant remember exactly how many years ago i discovered kurt, but it was love at first encounter. ive always drawn in a style very similar to his and a lot of the sentiment he expresses really hits close to my heart. and i love pretty much all of it. there is a piece that i can tie to every point of my life...always. his "smoking girl" is me. there are images of his thta remind me of people in my life and i love them all the more for it. hes amazingly kind and nice to his fans and does requested art all the time...hes just the tops.

wearing my heart on my sleeve: well this is probably the biggest part of my personality. i cant help it.ive tried to fight it, but i figure, i dont want to look back on my life and regret not doing things that may have made me happy. i have a few and id hate for the list to grow...people pretty much always know how i feel about them. im a great actress, but i rarely put it into effect when my heart is concerned. i fall fast and hard. i love very freely and openly, no, not in that way. but i do fall in love with different parts of everyone of my friends. i love them truly and deeply. im sincere in my emotions and i know that theyre intense. ive been in love 4 times counting blaise, but ive loved every single friend ive ever made. in some way, even if its the smallest of ways. from the way they laugh to how they love, their sense of style,their ability to always make me smile, to make me laugh, a wicked sneaker collection, love for any number of things...im in love with you all and i cant help butshow it. i think it may have a lot to do  with the fact that my dad is so very mean and unemotional...mabye its just because im an uber pisces...maybe its because i was broken so early and it was the way my teen/adult self learned to cope with it. maybe i just have a bigger heart than i realize...but i keep loving, i dont know how to stop...i dont know how to slow it down...and once youre in there, youre pretty much always there...forever.



JOIN IN! COMMENT AND ILL TAG YOU! YOU TAG ME! ITLL BE FUN!

i'm a big stupidhead and while rereading my entries i realized that i never updated when blaise told me he wasn't moving to texas...
he's staying in clarksville...he's spending the next week there with his family and working on his dads car and whatnot.

but then he's coming back.

and i couldn't be happier...well, if he didn't have to go at all that would've been nicer.
but he likes his family and stuff so he went.
and there's also a car involved.
and he will be back soon.

neato.
i'm a fan.

i miss his freckles.
and how he kisses the back of my neck in the morning when we wake up.
...and all the rest of him.
he's pretty awesome.
and i love the way he makes me feel...

when he looks at me its like he can't see anything else in the room...which is good cause i sorta have a focus issue going on when he's around as well...

he actually distracted me from laundry the other day!!! folding clothes fresh out of the dryer is like my favorite thing ever and somehow i folded an entire dryer full of towels while staring at him without even noticing...nuts i say.



yes i know. i'm gay.

but he sends me messages like this and i don't care:
"Hahaha, i miss you like crazy too. I still have the urge to turn around. Driving away while you were peaking out the window was ridiculously hard. "

i hope this week flies by...i miss him like crazy.

he's outside playing with hercules right now...monster dog likes most people but he seems to really like blaise...

i really like blaise...a whole lot. probably more than i should. but really who's to decide that? i've got a little over two more weeks with him before he leaves...i never really liked texas before...but now...i like it even less...

we are sitting at my parents place since i'm puppy sitting for them this weekend while they're at the races...hank is tooooooo freaking adorable. i love his mean little butt!

okay. boy back now...attention pulled.

happy shanden.